I almost made a terrible mistake, almost a sin tonight…
Since I am not confiding to anyone anymore, I will use this opportunity to write you one sort of confession… who knows – it might even help. Help me, not you… you don’t need any help obviously… I do. I still do. But wouldn’t admit it not even for the price of my own life…or yours…
Anyway… I have almost made a sin. With someone. Someone you don’t know. Someone I once knew… long time ago.
It is this town that makes me so evil. It can’t be anything else… this bloody town I hate from the day I first laid my eyes on it. There is something in the way that air smells here. Not like in
I was watching him tonight… he came late, to bring me sweets as he used to do while I was student using summer break for both – visit and study… he would use that secret channel of communication we developed as kids, the bare fact that my bedroom windows stare directly into his, the channel which we used to use in all sort of ways…
As kids we would send signals, gumming the words on the window glass making sure that we would meet outside for another game of hide and seek… yes, that plain and simple…
Than… when we grew up… those windows were used differently… early in the morning or late at night I would sneak in and hide behind the curtain looking in his room, staring in him and his twin brother doing weight lifting. I would feel odd, trembling from inside out, knowing that I am doing something terrible, secret but…oh, so exciting… they were so different always… one blond, the other one dark… I preferred the dark one, of course as I always did… and I would spend minutes looking at them tightening up, shaping up those secret places on male body which was unknown territory for me at the time…
It was not once that I have noticed quick wince of curtain at their window… and I didn’t mind him looking at me too… with that childish, almost naïve, but so dirty and pure at the same time instinct I would slowly undress… touching myself lightly… breathing deeply… massaging gently skin… brushing hair… leaving always enough clothes on to inspire… Where did all that creativity go? Don’t you think that we loose something with the very undressing act… when you see someone naked it is already less interesting, less mysterious, less attractive, less… just less…
We have never talked about that. We somehow knew that there is no need to talk about it…since it was just one of the phases we went through together… needless to say… without any direct interaction.
We have never interacted… although it was always there… that disconcerted interaction… even later, when we both became aware of all parts of the human body and the ways to utilize those…never… It was unspoken rule. I would come. He would come. We would get together. We would drink together; we would go out together, dance so close that I could feel his breath on that sensitive curve between neck and shoulder… I would feel his firing palms almost on my back… I could feel warmth getting out of him from the distance of few centimetres… but we would never, ever, cross that thick border between wish and reality. Mutual understanding it was since the very first day when we were six years old and had our firs fight which made my new purple skirt dirty from the mud.
Can you see now why it was terrible that “almost a sin” I am telling you about?
He came, after almost a year…he saw light on my window… recognized silhouette… and came… late… with sweets…
Knocked silently as he always did, not to wake up anyone, stepped away from the doors so I wouldn’t see him until I unlock and open up. Offered my favourite rum flavoured sweet through the miniature space I made to pierce through…
We sat together for a while. I couldn’t tell him about you. I have tried but words got frozen and small and insignificant… and I couldn’t… finally I have found something I can’t tell him…
And than…there was that moment… awful moment…
Moment of complete silence (nothing unusual for us…)… he stared at something at the kitchen wall… and he was sitting so close… I could smell him… and it was great… cause he smelled like a strange mixture of childhood, safety, unknown, sharp knife, dark guy from the hood, chocolate and wine we drunk… he smelled like a sin tonight…
And his skin was so tempting… I caught myself fantasizing about tasting it with the very top of my tongue… wrapped up in a light material… softly shining under that weak light from the ceiling… embraced with sharp dark hair and almost defeated beard…
I tell you… it was a terrible moment when I wanted to pull up to him… and just kiss softly, using just a bit of tongue his neck… that pulsating part under the chin or the one right behind the ear… I wanted to put a fingertip on his Adam’s apple and pull almost insensibly lower… terrible, terrible moment when I though I know the way he kisses… when I was so sure that I KNOW how he kisses… so sure that I could bet on that…
He left. Just couple of moments ago. We talked for hours. I haven’t admitted this although I know that all of the sudden I have two things to hide from him, and I am not used to that, nor I like it.
It is this town that does it all… I know… I have to escape somehow before I manage to ruin even more than I already did…
You see, that is why I needed this after-midnight imaginary conversation… and you are the only one I can fearlessly tell something like this… since you know me all…
Btw, do you know that there are no salsa bars in
Someone told me… never mind…
Take care
xx