Actually, I have nothing new to write about.
It is just that I felt like needing someone to talk to and since in real world it would probably be you that I would choose, well… it is obvious why I have chosen to write instead.
You should see me how hard I try to get out of this shit I am into lately.
I wake up every day convincing myself from the very bottom of my strength that there are still certain goals to achieve, that I have a good reason to fight back… and that I need really need to get out of the bed and start a new day. So I get up. Prepare a cup of coffee, light a cigarette… and I try to use all these potentials you have acknowledged and almost convinced me that I have, in order to stand up.
It goes so, almost until the end of the day… than I notice regression. Very slow and almost unnoticeable one. But still a regression.
And I am deeply ashamed of myself for allowing… allowing this fall to knock me down… allowing you to get so close… allowing myself to wish for a miracle even if I knew from the very start that it doesn’t exist… even though I knew that there is no such thing as love, as happy ending… at least not in my case… therefore I am…ashamed… so deeply, painfully ashamed of myself…
I guess it was just a last stroke of innocence/stupidity/or however you wish to name it…
Now, when it is all over… and when there is no uncertainty of any type on my path… when I know for sure that it is all done, over, ended… all I have to do - is to deal with it… learn how to accept it as a truth that it is part of me as much as my bare skin is, learn how to go day by day knowing it all…
You see, there is not a single false statement here. I am fully aware of all the consequences and the pattern I have repeated… I am aware also of the remedies I should now implement…
So, there is not a single reason to write all this shit to you, I know that too. It is no longer your problem even if it once was… you should not be interested in these as much as you really are not… and I am still writing…
Wonder why???
Anyway... take care...